I had a presumption that she would be past such indecencies. After 7 years…after all…who could keep up such a craft that long? Perhaps it is that once you become so good at something that you find you can’t live without it? It becomes an essential part of who you believe yourself to be. And then like clothing you can’t remove.
A pair of shoes. A simple lovely pair of summer shoes. They belong to my daughter but she can’t bring them to my house. She is only allowed to wear them or keep them, at her mother’s home. Shiny new Keen Newport sandals. Perfect for the beach trip we are planning next week. She was happy to have them, which she announced on the phone tonight after dialing in from her mom’s. I said “wow, good thing…they will be perfect for the beach trip!” And that is when she told me that, no, they would not be able to come on the trip. Because her mom had said that the shoes were to stay at “that” house. Some things do heal with time. But not all people do. Some people just survive by remaining exactly and precisely the same. And what do you do when the ways that person is the same, are unhealthy, unkind, manipulative and painful? And when that person is your parent, what then? And as the “other” parent, what will you do for your child to protect them from such things…what will you say to them to make sure that they don’t think that it is normal behavior to tell someone that or kind to someone to give them something that they are only allowed to wear unless they are with the other parent?
Nothing I could write to my ex would ever convince her that such an act hurts her daughter. She would never believe that 7 years of weekly choices of hers such as this is precisely why her own son moved out of her home and into mine by his own choice. Because that is what you must do…eventually. If you are ever to have a life of your own, it can’t matter if the people hurting you are sure that they aren’t hurting you. It comes down to this..if they are…then set a boundary, cross it…stand on the other side and say “if you want me in your life I’ll know when you can cross this line.” Then you let them know what it will take to cross that line into a saner and healthier place.
It seems so trite. A pair of shoes. Imagine if your spouse bought your child a pair of shoes and said “if you wear them around your (mom or dad), you might lose them…so only wear them when you are with me.” That was the reason given…that she might “lose” them if she wore them to my house. And how can you argue with that? When it is said with deep concern and a caring smile…How can you argue with that? The point is…when you are 13 years old, you can’t. Not yet.
And so on the phone I simply said, “we both know how I feel, so let’s change the topic before I say things we won’t enjoy.” We both know what’s going on. We had to chuckle a bit. Then we talked about the weather. It was a safe topic.
How do I teach my daughter how atrocious behavior like that is…or that she must be free of it to fully live? And that is the funny part of my life. Two views. From a whole truth perspective I can see the whole thing. It’s perfect. It’s beautiful. It’s astonishing. Nothing needs to change.
From a personal perspective this is the person I am sworn to protect. It isn’t transpersonal. It is as personal as it gets and it feels threatening. I think of what I would have to rearrange inside of myself to actually tell my own child that she is not allowed to wear clothing I purchased for her to enjoy or use when she is with her mom…and besides feeling nauseated at the prospect…I shudder with how shut off and disappeared I’d have to become.
Transpersonal or deeply personal, either way, my daughter is 13 now…I can’t live it for her. And honestly we three (2 kids and me) are seriously worn down and exhausted from dealing with all of the twists and turns we are lead down from that other side of the family that just can’t seem to heal. We literally can’t talk about all of it. It’s too big. It all bottlenecks. The passage provided by the human form is too small for a world of hurt that large. I feel like I can express it. But I am going at my children’s pace and they need the benefit of time. My insight can’t be their shortcut. It has to be their realizations…their journey…their upheaval…their sharpening over time.
So what I do is I just let her know that I see her accepting what is unacceptable. And I let her know that the day may come when she will choose not to. I let her know that while I find it atrocious..that she doesn’t have to and that either way, I am here and not going anywhere. But I never pretend. I don’t act like it doesn’t affect me that she is being used in a clandestine fashion.
I have to let go of the notion that a predictable outcome equates to my daughter waking up one day and standing up to her mom in light of this and many other thousand cuts to a healthy and happy childhood. I don’t hold that space…not really. Somedays yes…but not really. Because that focus is palpable and she doesn’t feel the room she needs to be her honest self. So the space I must dwell in is of just being someone different that never treats her in that same way. It forces me to live as honestly as possible.
People think life is so long. Only those that live long think that. I never feel that way. I feel it ending any day. There’s always an immediacy that results in me choosing actions in light of me not knowing about tomorrow. So each day I focus on what kind of person do my children need me to be right now? And that’s my answer. I have always found that when I ask “what is my truest self right now?”…the answer matches up to the answer of the first question.
